* DGUs outside of the home, July end of month

July 14, 2013:

Philadelphia bar owner closed up shot and drove home, only to be followed by three thugs that wanted what they didn't work for. The armed yoots demanded cash but what they got was embarrassed. The bar owner pulled his concealed handgun and went all Hollywood and shot the gun out of one of the thugs hands. Not wanting to stick around for a shootout with Quick Draw McGraw, the other two perps fled the scene. The victimized villain was transported to Hahnemann Hospital in serious condition. What's not noted is if his serious condition is related to the gunshot wound or his ego as a thug.

July 15, 2013:

42-year-old James Hayes, of Ambridge, PA, wasn't about to brake no gun lawz to commit an armed robbery, so he did the next best thing. Hayes grab himself a BB gun and entered a convenience store to commit an armed robbery. The clerk wasn't having any of that nonsense and pulled his own gun. After a tussle, Hayes made a break for it. Not living on the edge enough, Hayes then broke into a woman's apartment nearby, only to have his getaway foiled by her going outside to notify the police that he was there. Interim Police Chief James Mann said Hayes “is one of the world’s dumbest, and luckiest to be alive, criminals.” Luckiest, maybe. Dumbest, we'll see about that.

July 16, 2013:

Larry Kidd, 29, and Jason Penley, 24, both of Bluefield, WV, tried their hands at armed robbery. The first was at Patty’s at the Bluefield Plaza on Cumberland Road, a video lottery parlor, where the duo made of with some chump change. Not happy with their small take, or needing a place to rest, they continued on to the Economy Inn, also on Cumberland Road. Details are scarce, but apparently they demanded something with their ax handle and knife, but demanded it from the wrong person. The clerk pulled a gun and Penley sustained a single gunshot wound to the chest. I'm guessing that kind of deflated his ambitions of being a successful armed robber. Penley was transported to the hospital for his phisical wounds. Both have been charged in the robberies.

DGUs outside of the home, June end of month

June 28, 2013: Hey, Jack, don't mess with old people!

The 70-year-old store owner was mindin' his own bidness at the Elizabeth Grocery in North Philadelphia when an unnamed thug walked in around 11:00 am. While the register was open, the thug proceeded to stick his hand in the cookie jar register. The geriatric gentleman didn't play those kinds of games and pulled his handgun and shot the junior jackal in the ankle. "Now get off my lawn you hoodlum, and clean up your bloody mess, dummy". The wounded and limping perp was taken to the hospital and will then checked into the grey bar motel.

June 25, 2013: Why do I need more than 7 rounds?

Washtenaw County Sheriff’s deputies responded to an alarm set off by a broken window at Ypsilanti Middle School in Ypsilanti, MI, yada, yada, yada, they came upon a naked man who was covered in blood from the waist down. Blood? Yes, he was covered in blood from castrating himself with his bare hands! It took SIX police officers to subdue him. He and his parts were transferred to a local hospital. At least this zombie was mutilating himself and not eating someone's face.

June 12, 2013:

Hungry Howie's in Charlotte, NC. got a call for delivery of $74 worth of pie. Robby wells, delivery guy, though the order was odd and tooled up. This isn't the first time an order that large came in for delivery, COD. The last time, the driver got robbed. When Wells arrived at the delivery address, a church, he saw four yoots sitting on a bench, then noticed another yoot hiding behind a pillar. Pillars of society these boys were not, the five young men surrounded Wells to collect their free pizza, and a tip to boot, until Wells displayed his peace keeper and said "Now that we're at this point, do you have the money for this food, or not?" The answer was "not" and Wells left, with the pizza, his money and his life. Police said drivers should not take the law into their own hands, 'cause the po po are always there to protect you.

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June mid-month report, DGUs outside of the home

June 11, 2013: Hey Jack, Don't mess with old people.

Jan and Bob Cooper were just chillin' in their Anaheim California home on Sunday when their Rottweiler alerted them to a prowler outside of their home. Jan Cooper, 72, grabbed her .357 magnum revolver and her phone. She called the po po and begged the 911 operator to send deputies, presumably to save the prowler. 31-year-old Brandon Alexander Perez, the would-be home invader, was not deterred by the growling of the man eater, or the barking of the dog, as he slid open the glass door. Not wanting to clean up a bloody mess inside her home, groovy grandma took aim at his head then let fly a burst of fury that would make the average man cry, then she fired one shot, narrowly missing the perps face. She then let loose another burst of verbal assault words. Perez apologized to Cooper and then began to flee. Deputies arrived just in time to catch him in the yard. Perez was on parole and living at a halfway house at the time of his latest transgression. Cooper is a Christian who doesn't normally use foul language.

June 4, 2013: Hey Jack, Don't mess with young people.

Two upstanding citizens in Brooklyn, that's New York, dressed up like FedEx delivery men to attempt to get free stuff. The plan, knock on a door, when the homeowner opens the door, collect free stuff. Their plan failed to come to full fruition when the one dummy pulled a gun on the home owner and she slammed the door on his arm, causing him to drop his gun. Her ten-year-old son picked the gun up and took a shot at the thug. The accomplice, also armed with a handgun though he'd make matters better by firing a single shot at the kids. No one was injured, you know, except for the two goons' pride. It's unknown if the boy will be charged for handling a firearm without a licence.

May 31, 2013:

A Bakersfield, CA, man left for work when he realized he forgot his laptop charger. He "flipped a u-turn" and made it back home to find 35-year-old Jesse Perez, 35-year-old Edward Anaya and 35-year-old Miguel Reyes relieving him of his property. If no one's home it must be free stuff, right? What's the first thing you do when you encounter bad guys in Kalifornia? Call 9-1-1, except this man is one of the three people in the state that doesn't have a cell phone, so he pulled his lawfully concealed handgun and sent a ringing message to the free loaders. Three shots is all it took to the get the attention of the bad guys, the neighbor (who was sleeping) and the police. When the police arrived, they found the homeowner holding the three at gunpoint. Contrary to popular myth, the police did not confuse the armed guy with the bad guys and they didn't shoot him.

May 31, 2013:

A 17-year-old Lansing boy, not yet old enough to start getting government freebies, decided he couldn't wait for free stuff any longer and decided to cut out the middle man and go directly to the source of the free stuff. He approached a 28-year-old man, pulled his weapon, and demanded his share of the man's stuff. Being a generous sort of fella, the robbery victim decided to share his bullets with the young punk. He pulled his concealed handgun and gave the youngun a lead injection to his ass. The would-be robber was transported to a local hospital with embarrassing, but non life-threatening injuries. The wannabe's weapon of choice was a stun gun.

June 2, 2013:

A Fort Wayne man was standing outside of his home when he was approached by 18-year-old Jaquese N. Dandridge and another man, who though it might be a good idea to commit an armed robbery. At least one of the two would-be robbers pulled a gun, and so did the homeowner. Shots were exchanged and the homeowner took a bullet to the foot. He was treated and released from the hospital. Danridge received multiple gunshot wounds. The coroner ruled the cause of death as fatal stupidity with a touch of dumbass. The accomplice ran away on foot. Way to stick in there with your pal.

UPDATE: The accomplice, a 16-year-old, was apprehended.

June 2, 2013:

Enrique Herrera, of Texas City, TX, arrived home after work just before 3am to find that he had been followed by Dumb and Dumber. 26-year-old Lekenvrick Deon Nelson, of La Marque and 24-year-old Jermaine White approached the the 60-year-old and attempted to relieve Herrera of his belongings. Herrera pulled his own gun and a gun fight ensued, Herrera was struck in the thigh and the boneheads ran away. Nelson made it as far as across the street before he collapsed and White was picked up by police a few blocks down the road. I'm sure Nelson's final thoughts were "Hey jackwagon, it's Texas, is not safe for violent offenders.